


love me harder

by sofarsoperfect



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Post College/University, Explicit Sexual Content, Fake Dating, M/M, Mild Degradation, Past friends with benefits, Roommates, Unrequited Love, getting together of a sort, supposedly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-14
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:55:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25254973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sofarsoperfect/pseuds/sofarsoperfect
Summary: “We live together,” Johnny says. “We’ve lived together for over three years now. It’s like we’re dating.”It’s not at all like they’re dating but Kun is trying very hard to be calm about this.aka the one where kun is fine, he's not even that resentful of his past or of johnny and he's doing really well and it's fine.except that one thing leads to another and it's totally, absolutely not fine at all.
Relationships: Suh Youngho | Johnny/Qian Kun
Comments: 16
Kudos: 215





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this fic is loosely based off a subplot (that ended very differently) from a [johndo social media au](https://twitter.com/seokuns/status/1236837490209816578) (yes, johndo, stay with me here) i read on twitter not too long ago. it's a beautifully written fic and i highly suggest reading it if you're interested in johndo as well. 
> 
> i, however, am a strong-willed johnkun enthusiast and said, "perhaps i will make this about my ship," so i'm terribly sorry to livs and hope they can forgive me for this one day. 
> 
> *mildly beta'd

“Kun,” Wendy chirps, opening the door to the studio. Kun resists the urge to sigh deeply and instead just turns around to view her, lifting a brow expectantly. “I know the holiday party is still a few weeks away and I don’t mean to be pushy or like… make it weird, but you’re bringing your boyfriend to the holiday party, right?” She asks, all of her words slurring together as she says it. 

“My what?”

“Your boyfriend. Tall, dark and handsome, with the pretty eyes,” she says and Kun tilts his head at her. “Did you break up? I’m so sorry if you did, I don’t mean to be like, weird or anything, I just hadn’t heard anything about it and Irene was all freaked out about bringing Seulgi even though I told her no one’s gonna care, Kun’s got a boyfriend but she wanted me to ask you. Did you break up?” 

“Do you mean… Johnny?” Kun asks slowly. 

“That’s his name, fuck,” she swears to herself. “I’m so bad with names. Yes, him. Is he coming?” 

“Uh… I mean, yeah, I was planning on bringing him,” Kun agrees, feeling a lot like he just lost all control of this conversation. 

“Oh, good! You sounded so confused, I was worried you broke up or something,” she giggles. “I’ll let Irene know, she’s gonna be so psyched. Don’t let go of him though, you know Joy’s still hella single I can’t promise she won’t try to steal your boyfriend, so eyes on him all night, you feel me? I gotta go, see you at the party.”

God, Wendy can talk. 

“Johnny!” Kun yells as soon as he gets home. 

“Oh, fuck!” Johnny shouts and Kun sighs as he sets his bag on the table. He toes off his shoes, tucking them under the dining table as he walks through the apartment, looking for his wayward roommate. He’s not even surprised to see him sitting on the floor of his room, next to his desk, pouting and rubbing the back of his head. 

“Did you hit your head again?” Kun asks and Johnny only pouts harder, looking up at him. Kun grins as he crouches next to him. He reaches out, tipping Johnny’s head forward to take a look. There’s no blood even if, when he sweeps his hand over the back of Johnny’s head, he can feel a bump rising. Nothing to be worried about, even if Johnny is a clumsy son of a gun. “You’re gonna give yourself a concussion one day,” Kun tells him, letting go of Johnny’s head a second later. 

“Hurts,” Johnny whines and Kun shakes his head as he straightens back up. “Stop shouting my name and I wouldn’t do this.” 

“Oh, this is my fault,” Kun says, rolling his eyes as he turns and walks back out of Johnny’s room. “You know what my urgent voice sounds like, stop hitting your head just because you hear me coming,” he calls out as he goes to retrieve his bag from the dining room. He can hear Johnny lumbering out after him. 

“You called and it startled me,” Johnny says, coming up to him at the table. “What did you call me for?” 

“Why were you under your desk to begin with,” Kun asks and Johnny opens his mouth, lifting a finger and Kun already knows it’s gonna be a smart ass answer. “I don’t want to know. You won’t believe what Wendy said to me today.” 

“To you or at you?” Johnny asks because he’s familiar with Wendy. He’s more familiar with Kun’s stories about Wendy, how she’s a delightful and clever girl but she has a habit of just talking and not listening much at all. 

“Mostly at me but she asked me if I was bringing you to the holiday party,” Kun says and Johnny’s brow furrows. 

“That’s not weird. I always go to your holiday parties,” Johnny says and Kun huffs a laugh. 

“That’s not the weird part. She asked me if I was bringing my boyfriend,” Kun states and a startled little laugh comes out of Johnny as his eyes widen. “That’s weird, right?” 

“You wish you could date a guy like me,” Johnny jokes and Kun scoffs, pushing off from the table to head into the kitchen. “Why does she think we’re together? Did you ask, or did she not give you time?” Johnny asks, leaning on the bar as Kun rummages around in the kitchen for a bottle of water. 

“She came in, asked if I was bringing you and when I asked ‘my what’ she goes on this rant about how we might’ve broken up and when I ask if she means you, she goes on another rant about how confused I sounded and just disappears before I can correct her,” he explains, finally stepping out of the fridge with a water in hand. “I love her to death but she cannot read a room to save her life,” Kun says, setting his bottle on the counter. “So if you want to avoid the party this year, it’s totally fine. I’ll make up some lie about how we broke up or whatever,” Kun tells him, cracking open his bottle of water to take a sip.

“I still want to go to the holiday party,” Johnny states and Kun almost chokes on his water, startling a proper laugh out of Johnny. “What? That’s so unbelievable?” He asks through his laughter, Kun snatching the hand towel off the oven handle to wipe his mouth. “C’mon, you hate going to these things alone. That’s why I’ve been to two already. Wendy talks at you all night, Irene rides your ass about your projects, even though you’re not supposed to be talking about work and all anyone ever wants to ask you about is what idol groups you’ve been producing this year.”

“And?” Kun prompts. 

“And I’m a great buffer,” Johnny points out with a grin. Kun shakes his head at him, twisting the cap back on his water. “If I talk about photography terminology long enough, anyone will walk away. I went on about the misuse of the word aperture for a minute and a half and even Wendy walked away from me,” Johnny says and it makes Kun nod. “No one gives a fuck about what I have to say, I have to go or you’ll tear your hair out and you won’t look good bald, Kunnie,” Johnny says, reaching over to pat his head. 

“Point taken,” Kun says, slapping Johnny’s hand away. “People are gonna think we’re dating, though.” 

“So?” Johnny says. “People thought we were dating in college.” 

Kun resists the urge to remind Johnny that while they weren’t technically dating in college, they were sleeping together at least and that’s a completely different ball game than just being roommates. 

“College is like… everyone thinks everyone is dating everyone else.” It’s a bad angle but it’s the best one Kun’s got without opening old wounds. “This is different. We’re adults with jobs and everyone is going to think we’re dating. Like, serious steady relationship dating.” 

“We live together,” Johnny says. “We’ve lived together for over three years now. It’s like we’re dating.” 

It’s not at all like they’re dating but Kun is trying very hard to be calm about this. 

“Fine,” Kun agrees. “Come with me to the party but Joy’s gonna be up your ass if you walk more than a meter away from me in any direction. Keep that in mind,” Kun says and Johnny rests his hands on the counter, leaning towards him. 

“I will stick to you like glue, darling,” Johnny says and Kun pretends to retch, shoving Johnny away from him, making his friend laugh. “Joy’s not really my type anyway.” 

“Would that make a difference?” Kun asks, picking up his water bottle and heading for the table.

“I mean…” Johnny trails off. Kun’s mouth drops open in fake shock and he punches Johnny in the arm. Johnny pretends to be wounded but Kun knows his biceps are like steel and he’s pretty sure he hurt his hand more than he hurt Johnny. 

“You jerk,” Kun scolds

“I would never leave you for your coworker, I promise you, baby,” Johnny lays on and Kun glares at him over his shoulder as he picks up his bag, headed to his room. 

“Uh huh, sure!” Kun shouts. 

“You’re the only one for me!” 

“Save it for the holiday party, asshole!” 

“Well this has bad idea written all over it,” Ten says and Kun glares at his phone. 

“I don’t remember asking for your opinion on it,” Kun states and Ten scoffs. It’s so loud he can hear it over the phone, which is just like Ten, really. 

“Oh, Kunnie, you never have to ask my opinion, when will you realize that,” Ten tells him and Kun already knows Ten is leaning back in his chair with that smug look on his face that he tends to have most of the time anyway. 

“Well, just this once, can you not?” Kun asks. He’s trying to finish this rough composition for this group’s comeback and usually, he can talk with Ten while he works on stuff because it’s mindless chatter anyway. Today he made the mistake of mention the Johnny Situation and he already knows he’s gonna be taking this home with him tonight. 

“No, because for once in your life, Qian Kun, you have made a bad decision and I am going to sit here and enjoy it,” Ten says and Kun rolls his eyes. “But I’m also a good friend so I’m going to give you some advice, tell Johnny not to come with you to the holiday party.” 

“I can’t, I already told him it was fine,” Kun says and Ten sighs at him like he’s suffering or something. “It’s not the end of the world. We’re going to the holiday party, like we always do, and it’s going to be fine. Nothing weird is even going to happen. We’ve gone together the past two years and it’s been fine.” 

“Yeah, but this time you’re playing house with him!” Ten insists and Kun wonders if he can get tennis elbow of the optic nerves. “You know what, Kun, I give you too much credit. This isn’t even the first bad idea you’ve had in regards to Johnny. Not only did you sleep with him in college, but you proceeded to room with him until Senior year after he essentially dumped you and when you finally did part ways you guys ran into each other two years out of school and then you agreed to live with him, the man you kind of never really got over, again. I’m so sorry, I really do give you too much credit in regards to Johnny.” 

“He didn’t dump me,” Kun points out because it’s true. “We agreed that we were better off as friends and didn’t pursue anything else.” 

“He decided, you didn’t agree, firstly,” Ten says. “Secondly, you’ve kind of always resented that.” 

“I have not! I dated!” Kun says. 

“You date two people while Johnny’s dated several people, myself included, which is the only good thing Johnny’s dumbassery has given you.” 

“That’s a debatable statement,” Kun says plainly. 

“Fuck off, you love me. Without me who would you complain about Johnny to?” And Kun hates that Ten has a point. “Now Kun, baby, please don’t do this. I am not saying this to be a bitch, I mean I am a bitch but that’s not why I’m saying this.” Count on Ten to always be self-aware. “This is going to hurt you. If you go and even pretend that Johnny is your boyfriend you’re going to regret it.” 

“We don’t have to do anything out of character for us,” Kun says. “People thought we were dating just going. It’s not that weird.” 

“It’s gonna be different because you’re gonna know. And you’re gonna look at Johnny and you’re gonna have those feelings and it’s going to hurt you and I don’t want that. You deserve to move on and while I can’t force you to move out and take the whole ass man baby out of the equation, I can ask you to not give yourself hope where there is none.” 

“It’s not a big deal,” Kun says but he says it softly and he knows he’s trying to convince himself as much as he is Ten at this point. 

“Okay,” Ten relents. “I can’t stop you but just know, I think it’s a bad idea.” 

“Noted,” Kun replies simply. 

The holiday party at the company is, average at best. It always is and Kun always hates going because he’s required to be there and he doesn’t want to be. His first year he went alone and went back to his, then, studio apartment, drank an entire bottle of soju, and passed out to forget the whole evening even happened. The second year was the first year he was living with Johnny and didn’t want to bother him but Johnny kind of figured the party was shit when Kun did the same thing and passed out on the couch. 

Johnny invited himself the next year and Kun didn’t have the heart to say no so that’s why he’s been going for the past two years. It’s normal now, that Johnny digs out a decent button down from his closet while Kun reminds him how annoying everyone he works with is from his bedroom door and why he’s so glad he works by himself most of the time. 

“Oh, and Irene is bringing her girlfriend this year, apparently. It’s why Wendy started going off about you coming to the party so just keep that in mind. I have no Godly idea who would be willing to date my boss but that’s apparently a thing that’s happening,” Kun says and Johnny lifts a brow as he adjusts his tie. “Why do you always wear a tie? It’s so stupid, it must be uncomfortable.” Kun says and Johnny shrugs his shoulders as he straightens it. 

“I dunno, makes me feel like an adult,” Johnny says. Kun finds he does not know why he puts up with the clowns in his life but he does. 

“Okay, Mister Adult, grab your jacket and let’s go,” Kun tells him. Johnny picks up his blazer from the end of his bed and follows Kun to the door.

Johnny drives because Johnny always drives. Kun thinks he has control issues which usually turns into Johnny laughing at him as he says, “oh I have control issues.” Kun knows he has control issues, he admits to that. 

The party is in the same nondescript conference room it always is. It’s actually two conference rooms and the giant sliding curtain that separates them has been opened for the first time all year. There are too many people in the room and Kun usually dips early because it’s kind of claustrophobic. They walk in with Johnny’s hand on the small of his back this time and Kun already feels a little like he’s going to pass out. 

“Kun, you made it!” 

Ah, Wendy. 

The party is a blur. It usually is because Kun starts it by drinking at least two of the cheap-ass champagne flutes to get through the night. All the food is ice cold, he made that mistake his first year, so they both ate before they came and they will get food around midnight because they always do. Kun spends most of the party entertaining Wendy and Irene’s incredibly annoying questions and fielding the idol group questions as best he can. Johnny manages to get them breathing room between gatherings by going on about photography, during which everyone disperses when he starts going on about exposure this and ISO that. 

Kun sometimes wishes his life wasn’t so predictable but Johnny grins at him when Sehun excuses himself from the conversation, leaving just the two of them by the wall. 

“Can we go home now?” Kun asks and Johnny laughs, wrapping an arm around Kun’s shoulders. 

“No, babe, we can’t. Give it like… thirty more minutes.” 

Kun does not want to give it thirty more minutes. Mostly because he doesn’t want to be here but also because Johnny has apparently decided that he’s going to spend the night calling Kun increasingly affectionate pet names. He called him sweetie in front of Irene and baby when Joy got within two meters and he’s been calling him babe at every turn, even when there aren’t people around. It’s starting to grind on Kun’s nerves because he was fine. Why is Johnny making this so hard for him? 

“Kun,” Wendy starts, coming over with Irene and Seulgi and a small gaggle of other couples. This is the worst thing to happen all night. “I was just talking to Irene and Seulgi and they were talking about how they started dating and I got to thinking, you never mentioned when you and Johnny started dating. I mean, none of us even knew you were in a relationship until Johnny came with you and I think that’s so funny.” 

“That sounds like Kun,” Johnny brushes off. “You know how Kun can be, he’s pretty quiet about stuff like that.” 

“That’s what I figured, he doesn’t talk much at work and you guys have been coming together for years and you guys are pretty hands-off about the PDA. I was just wondering when you guys started dating. Like every couple has a story you know.” 

“Oh,” Kun says. This isn’t something they’ve talked about. He didn’t expect to get grilled at his damn holiday party. 

“Do you mind if I tell it, you know I love talking about this,” Johnny intercepts and Kun is so fucking thankful for him in that moment. 

“Oh Jesus, you got him started, Wendy,” Kun pretends to be put out, Johnny’s arm tightening a little around his shoulders. “Go on, I can tell you’re practically vibrating about it.” 

“So, Kun and I met in college,” Johnny starts. “It’s so cliche but we were freshman roommates. We got really close while we were rooming together, like best friends and we ended up rooming together all through college, it’s funny kind of when I think about it I always had this awful crush on him but I never said anything, you know? I was so shy.” 

“You wouldn’t know it,” Kun says and Johnny bumps their hips together playfully. 

“I was shy with you!” Johnny lays on. “But it never went anywhere in college so we kind of drifted apart when we graduated. Two years later we run into each other in a bar of all places and it’s like nothing changed. We fall back in step immediately and it’s like… all those feelings came rushing back.” 

Kun looks over and Johnny’s looking at him so softly something in his chest clenches.

“I was… still so nervous I never said anything. We stayed friends for a short while but I would’ve hated myself if I didn’t say anything so I asked him out to dinner. You remember, our first date, it was at that noodle place you loved in college, you used to take the freshies all the time.” 

Kun remembers because Johnny did ask him to go to dinner with him. They reconnected over hot pot in a tiny hole-in-the-wall restaurant that he did use to take the younger kids to when they really missed home because Kun has yet to find a restaurant that makes a better authentic Chinese dish than that place. Johnny mentioned he was about to be between leases soon and asked Kun if they wanted to room together again, just for a little while until they found something better and Kun’s lease was just about up so he agreed. 

That was just over three years ago. 

“Yeah,” Kun agrees and hopes it doesn’t sound as choked up as he feels. 

“We moved in together pretty quickly but it was like a natural progression, especially after living together for so long in college. I made the best decision of my life that night,” Johnny says and Kun takes a deep breath, hoping it comes across as fond and not like he’s going through something existential because he might be. 

“That’s so cute,” Wendy says and it’s enough to bring Kun back to earth, back to where he’s standing in the conference room of his job, with all his coworkers and remember that Johnny’s just saying shit. It’s just a story. That’s all it is. “You guys are so cute together.” 

“Kunnie, you okay?” Johnny asks, his arm falling from Kun’s shoulders to his waist, hand warm through his shirt where he squeezes him gently. 

“I’m fine. I guess I’m just tired,” Kun brushes off. 

“You always get tired early,” Johnny says and Kun rolls his eyes. “I’m gonna take him home. Thanks for the party, it was great,” Johnny says and Kun knows it’s just a story because no one bullshits like Johnny can. 

“Of course. Take care,” Irene says and Johnny steers Kun out of the room and into the hallway. Kun shakes Johnny off in the hall and Johnny doesn’t say anything. Neither of them says anything at all all the way to the car. 

“Kun, I’m serious, are you okay?” Johnny asks when they get in the car.

“Yeah, it’s fine. I’m fine,” Kun says. It sounds like a lie even to his own ears. “I think I had a little more to drink tonight than usual. I’m just tired,” he insists but Johnny reaches over and rests a hand on his wrist and Kun resists the urge to pull away. 

“You’re not just tired and you had three drinks of that cheap-ass fake champagne. What’s going on?” Johnny asks again and Kun lifts his eyes to finally look at Johnny and he kind of feels like crying because Johnny’s story was bullshit but it was a little too close to Kun’s own truth for his own comfort. 

“That uh, that story you told,” Kun begins, eyes falling to his hands where he’s tangling them together in his lap, “did you practice it because it was pretty believable.” 

“The- oh. Uhm, no, I just… off the cuff, I guess,” Johnny says, but he doesn’t move his hand where’s hold onto Kun’s wrist. “Why?” 

“No reason,” Kun brushes off. “Let’s go home.” 

“Kun-” 

“Johnny, it’s late,” he says rather than give a proper explanation and Johnny only sighs before taking his hand back and starting the car. 

They drive the entire way back in silence. Not even the radio is on and Kun doesn’t dare look at Johnny because he’s not quite sure what he’s going to find if he looks. He stares out the window at the same exact cityscape he’s been looking at on his drives to and from work for the past several years. There’s nothing new, just the same concrete jungle, but it beats staring at his own hands. 

Johnny pulls into his assigned spot in the parking garage and cuts the engine. Kun reaches for the handle but Johnny locks the door. When Kun goes to look at Johnny, he’s still staring straight ahead, both hands on the wheel, which is so unlike him. 

“What aren’t you saying,” Johnny asks. “Because you’re not saying something and I don’t want to go up to the apartment and act like everything is fine when everything is clearly not fine.” 

“It is. It is fine.” 

“Kun, can you not bullshit me?” Johnny asks. He leans back in his seat, hands falling off the wheel. “Just tell me the fucking truth,” he says but he sounds tired and that’s kind of annoying. 

It’s annoying because Kun should be tired. He is tired. He’s fucking exhausted of keeping this to himself. He’s been keeping this damn thing under lock and key for almost ten years now. Johnny has no right to be tired because he’s been fine. He’s been moving on and dating and seeing people and Kun’s been holding this fucking torch for almost ten years it’s not fair. It’s not fucking fair. 

“The truth?” Kun asks. “The fucking truth? The fucking truth is that I’ve been waiting ten years for you get a fucking clue and you’ve yet to do so. The truth is that I am so fucking tired of standing around and waiting for you to notice how long I’ve been holding this goddamn torch for you. The truth is that I’m resentful and I’m angry and I just want to fucking move on but the night, the one goddamn night I fuck up and play house with you you come out here and act like you’re the one who’s been waiting? Like you’re the one who’s been pining after me? Bullshit. It’s fucking bullshit, Johnny.” 

Kun jabs his finger into the unlock button and lets himself out, slamming the door behind him. 

He doesn’t wait to see if Johnny’s coming because he brought his own damn keys and he’s going to let himself into his own damn apartment and he’s going to bed. He’s had enough, he’s tired, he’s angry, he’s finally given Johnny the piece of his damn mind he’s had since he was 19 years old and Johnny made the decision that they weren’t going to work out for him. Tomorrow he might just go looking for a new apartment, God knows but tonight, he is going to bed. 

He’s already in his room, and halfway through unbuttoning his shirt when he hears the door slam. Well, alright then, if Johnny’s gonna be a baby about it, so be it, but Kun’s not gonna put up with it. 

He left his door open so he turns, goes to shut it and sees Johnny standing in the doorway. 

“Fucking what?” Kun asks but it’s on a sigh. Whatever the fuck Johnny has to say can wait until tomorrow, can’t it?

“You think you can just say all that shit to me and walk away?” Johnny asks. “You are you fucking kidding?” 

“Didn’t you say enough when we were 19?” Kun asks. He walks closer and rests a hand on the door. _“Kun, I think you’re really great and this has been really fun but I think we’re better off as friends, don’t you?"_ Johnny’s mouth falls open a bit and Kun tilts his head at him. “Yeah, that’s some shit you don’t forget. Thanks for choosing for me, asshole.”

“You didn’t say anything back!” 

“What was I supposed to say? You clearly made up your mind!” Kun points out. “What kind of idiot would I have looked like. No, Johnny, I have a debilitating crush on you and I don’t want to be just friends even though that’s clearly all you want.” Kun steps closer then, right into Johnny’s space, chin tilted up to look him in the eye. “Next time you decide to smash and pass, maybe don’t make it your fucking roommate.” 

Kun goes to close the door on him but Johnny’s hand catches the door. His other hand leaves the doorway in the next second and then he’s kissing Kun, hard and fierce and like he means business, the hand that was once on the doorway holding onto Kun’s jaw, tilting it up further so he can kiss down, into his mouth. Kun reaches up to grab Johnny’s shoulder, to push him away but Johnny steps into the room, wraps an arm around Kun’s waist, and forces him back into the room. 

“You think that’s all you were,” Johnny mumbles into his mouth. He kicks the door shut and it shuts too loudly for the fact that it’s getting late and they live in an apartment building but he doesn’t pay it any mind. “A fucking smash and pass. You think I fuck just anyone the way I used to take you to bed, Kun.”

“And yet you didn’t stick around, how about that,” Kun retorts, fingers digging into Johnny’s shoulders. 

He should pull away. He should shove Johnny the fuck off of him and go to bed, because that’s what he was going to do anyway. This, for all Ten has said, this is the truly bad idea. This is the terrible, no good, very bad idea that Kun should not be allowing to happen but when Johnny’s mouth diverts to his neck and he starts sucking bruises into the line of his throat he just lets it happen. 

Because for all the mental fortitude that Kun has spent so much time building up, the moment Johnny’s got his arms around him, it’s all for naught. And he knows it. 

“I got scared,” Johnny murmurs into his neck. “That’s a shitty reason but I got fucking scared, Kun, and I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t fucking apologize to me,” Kun tells him, yanking him back up to fix their mouths together again. “Don’t you dare fucking apologize to me if you’re not gonna make it mean something. Don’t waste my fucking time, Suh.” 

“I won’t,” Johnny assures him and then he’s got Kun off the ground at about the same time he’s licking into Kun’s mouth, laying him out Kun’s bed, climbing up to straddle his hips. Kun’s hands are on Johnny’s tie, loosening it to slide it out from around his neck, throwing it aside so he can start pulling at his shirt, untucking it from his slacks so he can shove his hands underneath. 

Johnny pulls away so he can unbutton the top two buttons just so he can pull it up and off. It’s barely landed on the floor before Kun is tugging Johnny back down to kiss him again, lips spit slick and sliding together messily. It’s filthy and deep and all Johnny can taste is cheap champagne on Kun’s tongue but he wants this. He’s been wanting this. He’s been fucking around and not saying things and running scared since he was fucking 19 and he wants Kun so bad he can barely stand it. 

“Off, off, take this off,” Johnny tells him and Kun tugs his shirt off. He’s made the mistake of wearing an undershirt tonight so Johnny tugs it out of Kun’s fitted jeans to push it up and off his body as well. Johnny can barely stand it, the fact that he clearly doesn’t deserve Kun but he’s getting him anyway. The fact that Kun should fucking hate him but doesn’t and has been holding this torch for him that he clearly should not have been. 

“Kun,” Johnny mutters into Kun’s mouth when their lips reconnect and Kun hums into the kiss. “Kun, fuck me. Fuck me tonight.” 

“You used to fuck me,” Kun whispers into his lips, and Johnny whines, high in his throat as he remembers. 

He used to. That’s how they always used to do it, before Johnny got out of his head and finally figured himself out. 18 year old Johnny was scared of a lot of things, and being seen as feminine or the girl in the relationship was definitely one of them. He’s grown up a lot since then, figured himself out, knows who he is and what he wants and isn’t afraid of it. 

And he knows that he wants Kun to have him tonight, not the other way around. 

“I know,” Johnny murmurs, voice breaking around the edges. “Please fuck me,” he sighs and Kun groans into his mouth, deep and warm and so fucking beautiful Johnny can already feel it in his gut, the way he’s getting hard in his slacks at just the idea of Kun inside of him. “Please.” He’s practically begging and when he opens his eyes, Kun is looking at him like he wants to devour him. 

“Whatever you want, baby.” 

He sounds condescending as fuck and Johnny loves it. 

Their clothes are strewn all over the floor of Kun’s bedroom, thrown to wherever they land and Johnny is already panting by the time Kun gets between his knees, slick fingers circling his hole. It sends a sharp thrill down Johnny’s spine, the way Kun looks leaning over him and he whimpers desperately when Kun finally pushed a finger inside of him. 

“Fuck, you’re needy,” Kun says and Johnny whines. “You used to be such a bossy asshole in college but I get a single finger inside of you and you’re whining like a bitch.” Johnny never thought he’d be so into being degraded but it’s hot, the way Kun is talking to him. It makes him want to whine more, beg for Kun to fuck him. He’s waited so fucking long for this but he knows Kun’s waited longer and he wants to give Kun anything he wants. 

“Please,” Johnny pleads.

“You think begging for me is gonna get you what you want?” Kun asks but he pushes his finger in deeper, fucks Johnny harder and Johnny is already dripping from the tip of his cock. “You think I’m gonna give you whatever you want just because you’re begging for me. Oh baby, I’ve waited a long fucking time for this.” 

Kun is downright ruthless in the way he opens Johnny up, slowly and steadily, fucking in deeper and harder but not quickly. He drags it out, searching around inside of Johnny for that sensitive bundle of nerves and when he finds it, Johnny almost shouting when he does, he exploits. Rubs his fingertips against it only to scissor his fingers and pull out, fuck Johnny shallowly for a few measured thrusts before doing it again. Johnny is practically shaking when Kun manages to get three fingers deep. 

Johnny’s cock is red with how hard it is and it’s leaking profusely, dripping a small puddle of precome on his stomach. Kun watches the way Johnny writhes in his bed, free hand holding down his hips as he fucks up into him. He drags his fingers along his walls, spreading him open just to watch the way he opens up for him. 

“Kun, please,” Johnny whines and he sounds near tears. Kun would be lying if he said he wasn’t enjoying himself. 

“Please what?” 

“Please fuck me, please,” Johnny whines and Kun pulls his fingers out, Johnny whimpering at the way it leaves him empty. 

When Kun slides a condom on, he presses his tip right against Johnny’s rim for a moment. He watches the way Johnny’s hips rock back, trying to fuck himself onto Kun’s cock. 

“Needy,” Kun mutters. “Ready, baby?” He asks and Johnny nods frantically. 

Kun pushes in in one smooth motion and Johnny arches off the bed. He looks absolutely gorgeous as he does, gasping for breath as Kun leans over him, fucking up into him with a sort of reckless abandon. Even if teasing Johnny has been fun, Kun is reaching the end of his rope, hard and aching himself and he leans bodily over Johnny as he fucks him. 

“Fuck, fuck, Kun,” Johnny moans. Kun’s hand finds the curve of his neck, gripping there while the other lands on the bed next to his ribs, holding on as he fucks him. “Yes, God,” Johnny moans and it’s nothing like Kun’s ever heard him before. 

“Fuck, baby,” Kun breathes. He presses his mouth to the opposite side of Johnny’s neck, his thrusts hard and fast and he can feel Johnny’s moans vibrate under his lips when he presses kissed to his throat. “So good, so good for me. Mine, my baby, so good.” 

“Yours,” Johnny moans, delirious and it’s a sharp deja vu. The way he can remember how blindly he had said it when he was 18 and Johnny had fucked him for the first time back in their shared dorm. The way Johnny had spread him out on one of their too-small twin XLs and fucked him so hard Kun almost forgot his own goddamn name. 

But he still remembers the stupid way Johnny had called him his and Kun whispered, “yours” with so much emotion, so unaware he was breaking his own heart. 

“Yours,” Johnny whispers again and Kun kisses Johnny’s mouth this time as he fucks him harder, faster, chasing his orgasm. Johnny whimpers into his lips, the bed shaking under them until Kun stills, buried in Johnny to the hilt as he comes, panting into Johnny’s lips.

He’s almost shaking, everything hazy but Johnny’s still hard between them and Kun couldn’t forget the shape of Johnny’s cock if someone asked him to. He remembers exactly how Johnny liked it when they were younger and digs his thumb into Johnny’s slit just to hear him hiss, his hand slick with precum in moments. 

“Come for me, baby,” Kun whispers in his ear and Johnny whines his name as he comes in heavy spurts, across his stomach and dribbling over Kun’s fingers. His eyes flutter prettily and Kun presses wet, open-mouthed kisses to Johnny’s lax lips as they both come down. 

Kun slides out of Johnny carefully, not that Johnny reacts much. He’s still the cum dumb type, Kun realizes and he tosses the condom away, navigating the mess they’ve made of his floor carefully. 

He’s careful as he cleans up Johnny, Johnny moaning softly as Kun wiped him down, tossing the washcloth in the hamper before falling into bed with him. 

“If you leave before I wake up, I’ll never fucking forgive you,” Kun whispers and he’s pretty sure he’s talking to air because Johnny’s already fallen asleep on him but Johnny turns over, straps an arm across Kun’s middle and snuggles his face into Kun’s neck. 

“I’m not going anywhere,” Johnny mutters into his neck. “I’m not running away anymore.” 

“Promise me.” 

“I promise.” 

Johnny is still in his bed when he wakes up. 

Johnny is awake in his bed when he wakes up, and Kun blinks his eyes open, narrowing them a second later. 

“Good morning,” Johnny says in that gravely morning voice of his and Kun moans, turning to hide his face in Johnny’s collarbone. “I said I would stay,” Johnny whispers, lips pressed against Kun's temple and Kun sighs. 

“I know. Can we have deep emotional conversations after I’m awake, though?” Kun asks and Johnny chuckles, low and soft as he runs his fingers through Kun’s hair. 

“Yeah. I kind of don’t want to leave the bed anyway. I kind of want to make up for lost time.” 

“You want to have sex again?” Kun groans and Johnny scoffs, pinching Kun’s hip. Kun makes a soft, displeased noise. 

“No, asshole. I just want to hold you for a while, is that okay with you?” He asks and Kun presses a soft kiss to Johnny’s collarbone, wrapping his arms around Johnny’s middle. 

“God, you’re a sap. But I guess,” Kun agrees.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [twt](https://twitter.com/sofarsoperfect)   
>  [cc](https://curiouscat.me/sofarsoperfect)


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kun considers that forgetting most of his first year of uni isn’t the worst thing. Of the things he does remember, they all include with Johnny.
> 
> Those are the moments that stick with him the most. Any time he was with Johnny sticking out in his brain, technicolor in comparison to the otherwise grey monotony of university.

Kun considers that forgetting most of his first year of uni isn’t the worst thing. Pretty par for the course in the grand scheme of things. He remembers the important things, like stressing out over his first college midterms and finals, spending an absolutely inordinate amount of his meager college budget on coffee, Redbull, and ramen (not even good ramen, the cheap 39 cents shit from the local grocers). There are flashes of his first few college parties. Most of them involve Johnny, Taeyong, and Taeil goading him to do something stupid that sounds like a good idea a few heavy pours of jungle juice deep. They all end with Johnny, falling into bed with him at three a.m. knowing he has a class to get to in five hours. 

Taking an eight a.m. his freshman year? Not his best decision. 

Those are the moments that stick with him the most. Any time he was with Johnny sticking out in his brain, technicolor in comparison to the otherwise grey monotony of university. 

His memory starts breaking up around the first month of school, when he started getting invited to parties by his floormates and Johnny, the towering yet adorably sweet roommate the university gifted him with. Everything before is anxiety and panic about living in a different place, on his own, with someone he doesn’t know. He really doesn’t know what he would’ve done if he wasn’t living with Johnny. 

Johnny was a really great roommate, turned really great friend and Kun still loves him. He can remember the hours spent up until the wee hours when they should’ve been asleep but were not and still getting used to living so far from home (Johnny hailing all the way from the Windy City). These nights were innocent, talking about where they were from and what they wanted to do and how terrifying suddenly being 18 and adult is. Johnny was a year older, having taken a gap year to toodle around Chicago, catch a part-time job but ultimately figured going to school was his best bet. Having Johnny there was a comfort, a huge but comfortable change in Kun’s life that he was sincerely so thankful for. 

Things get hazy after the first month because Kun started spending more and more time in classes and if he wasn’t in classes he was studying and if he wasn’t studying he was at a party. The flavor of the week was always a frat house or an off-campus apartment or sometimes a real adult apartment if Taeil managed to charm them into one of his older friends’ parties. You tend to start losing track of time and who you are and what you’re doing when you’ve already had two edibles, a solo cup of hella strong jungle juice and your roommate and his Tom Ford are hanging off your neck at any given moment. 

He does, however, remember the first time Johnny kissed him, the half-hour they spent in the basement of the frat house getting a hard second-hand high from the fumes and the subsequent two hours they laid in Johnny’s bed after they finally dragged themselves home after the party. Most of his memories involve Johnny in one way or another and he still wonders if that’s a good thing or not.

He’s pretty sure most of them can be classified as ‘or not’ considering they’ve managed to kind of ruin quite a few things for him. Not because Johnny was an asshole, he really couldn’t be if he tried, on purpose at least, or really any kind of terrible reason. It’s just hard for Kun to experience some things now and not immediately connect them to Johnny when he knows that’s not his to have. 

Kun and Johnny stopped sleeping together during that February. There may or may not have been a conversation about their friendship and whether or not this was something worth pursuing but those are moments Kun tries not to remember because he’s still pretty sure Johnny did most of the talking. And Kun steps back, because Johnny stepped back, and Kun has never been the kind to chase things that don’t want to be chased. 

Kun can’t drink vanilla vodka anymore because it tastes like the first time Johnny kissed him. He can’t eat In-and-Out anymore because it just reminds him of all the hours in the drive-thru with Johnny, arguing about Professor Yoon and why Kun’s thesis makes more sense than half the things that come out of that professor’s mouth. Kun got rid of his oversized striped sweater, donated it to Goodwill along with a pair of still decent if a little bit scuffed boots and fitted, dark wash jeans. 

Because he and Johnny had sex for the first time in October, those clothes stripped off of him and thrown into a pile on the floor. Johnny pressed into him, mouth warm on his throat, hands hot on his hips, pulse rabbiting under Kun’s lips where he was sucking a dark purple hickey that he didn’t know at the time, but wouldn’t fade for a full four days. 

He won’t listen to any of the music from Johnny’s sex playlist (because Johnny is the kind of man to have a sex playlist that he keeps and listens to and actually plays during sex and Kun was made intimately aware of it and all the song changes Johnny went through during their first year of college). But more than anything, while he could probably stomach most them on the radio or whatever, not really listening but existing there, in his space, he cannot listen to Velvet by EXID, the LE solo. 

He can still remember the way Johnny called him his in that rough, deep throat growl that’s only gotten deeper and rougher as he’s gotten older. He heard it over the sound of LE talking about people feeling like velvet and whispered, “yours,” back at him, unaware that he was breaking his own heart as he did so. 

Kun can’t remember most of his freshman year of university at Neo City Technical University of Fine Arts. It isn’t the worst thing in his life and he doesn’t mind it because he can remember more of the years following. 

But he damn well wishes he could forget that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [twt](https://twitter.com/sofarsoperfect)   
>  [cc](https://curiouscat.me/sofarsoperfect)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kun still feels like his brain is rattling around in his head, trying to make sense of all of this. He wants to be with Johnny, it’s all he’s ever wanted because he, despite knowing better, loves him. 
> 
> And Kun knows he’s flawed. He’s not stupid enough to put Johnny up on this pedestal thinking he’s something other than he is because he knows Johnny. He’s seen Johnny in every aspect, from between the sheets to the disgusting floor of a random house party to their own kitchen, he knows Johnny. And he would like to think Johnny knows him and that’s probably what bothers him the most.

Kun peels himself out of bed at some hour, he’s not entirely sure what the hour is because he fell asleep again and Johnny’s asleep next to him so he doesn’t bother trying to wake him back up. Sometimes waking Johnny is about as easy as waking a sleeping bear, which is to say, anything but, so Kun goes about his business as usual. 

Saturdays are all the same, it’s one of the only things in his life that has remained the same since he moved in with Johnny and it’s that he makes breakfast. He’s too cheap to go out but Saturdays are one of the few days a week he actually gets off so he makes breakfast, and by extension, makes Johnny breakfast. It’s all a blur, a well rehearsed scene, once he’s in sweats and a loose baseball tee that might have belonged to Johnny once upon a time. 

Coffee pot is on, bread in the toaster, he’s already got bacon in the oven (because it’s easier and faster to clean up) and he’s cracking eggs into a pan when Johnny lumbers into the kitchen, looking half dead. 

He has a bruise on the side of his neck that Kun doesn’t remember putting there but there it is and it’s dark. He’s dressed, kind of, wearing boxers and a sleep shirt and he bypasses the bar counter to wrap his arms around Kun’s middle, chin on his shoulder. 

And that’s normal too, which strikes Kun that maybe he and Johnny have never really been all that normal to begin with. 

“Good morning,” Johnny mumbles into his shoulder, pressing a kiss to the slope where his neck and shoulder meet. Kun shifts slightly and Johnny takes it as the sign that it is, letting go of Kun and stepping back. 

“I’m still upset,” Kun states because it has to be said. Because the post-coital afterglow is gone and so is the sleepy haze and he’s awake and aware and sex doesn’t fix everything. It fixes some things but not this. Not all this that he’s had building up inside of him for so long he’s not entirely sure what he is without it. 

Because as much as he would like to pretend that being angry and resentful hasn’t shaped him, it has and now he has to figure out what to do with it now that’s broken free and sitting in his kitchen with him. 

“I know,” Johnny says and his hand slides over Kun’s hip. He doesn’t pull or push or get closer but Johnny’s always been pretty tactile so Kun knows he’s just touching because he feels like he needs to. “I know you are. And I think you should be.” 

“I’m gonna need you to stop being so understanding about this,” Kun mumbles and Johnny chuckles softly. “I’m gonna need you to be a little less nice about this because I would like very much to have a fight about this,” Kun says and he sets the burner on low, turning around to look at Johnny. 

“We didn’t do that last night?” Johnny asks and Kun huffs. 

“No. No, we didn’t. We fucked it up when you kissed me,” Kun says and Johnny smiles gently. “I’m still angry and one really great night isn’t enough. There’s a part of me that still doesn’t understand how I’ve been so resentful and angry and you’ve been fine. I know you said you were scared, but fucking scared of what?!” Kun says and he’s too loud for an hour somewhere next to morning but he’s still so confused. “I’ve been sitting here, waiting for you, hoping you would figure it out but you never did and the one time we finally get it right it’s because of a dumb idea and I was still the one to spell it out for you. How is that fair? How- I’m gonna burn the eggs,” he cuts himself off and Johnny steps back as Kun snatches the eggs off the stove.

The eggs are a little more brown than normal but they’re fine and Kun plates them quickly, only to immediately toss the pan in the sink, spatula following it and he curls his fingers over the sliver of counter between the edge and the basin of the sink. His shoulders are tense and his head is bowed and Johnny knows he’s going to say something. 

He’s thinking and he’s frustrated and he’s going to say something and it’s going to hurt when he does but Johnny isn’t going to fight him on it because he knows whatever Kun’s about to say, he’s right. 

“You don’t deserve me,” Kun says, low and controlled and yeah, that fucking hurts. 

“I don’t,” Johnny says and that’s enough to have Kun whirling around to glare at him, huffing an angry breath. 

“Stop agreeing with me,” he says and the corner of Johnny’s lips turns up without his permission. Kun closes his eyes and fights down his own smile because this is so stupid. 

This is why they’ve never had a fight, not really. They’ve had disagreements and arguments and struggled to speak to each other but it’s never lasted long and they’ve certainly never had an actual fight. Because they don’t know how. They’ve never known how to have a fight because being angry has never been either of their strong suits. 

And maybe that’s why, for all of Kun’s resentment towards Johnny, anger has always been fleeting. 

“I want to have this fight. I want you to have this fight, because you think you need it, but no one likes cold eggs,” Johnny points out mildly and Kun sighs, a laugh hidden somewhere in it as he hangs his head, fight draining out of him as he opens his eyes to see Johnny looking at him, innocent smile on his face. “Can we please have breakfast before we do this.” 

“Fine,” Kun agrees. “Yours-” 

“Has the darker toast, I know,” Johnny interrupts, picking his plate up off the counter. 

God, how many times have they done this. 

They eat in something akin to silence and Kun still feels like his brain is rattling around in his head, trying to make sense of all of this. He wants to be with Johnny, it’s all he’s ever wanted because he, despite knowing better, loves him. 

And Kun knows he’s flawed. He’s not stupid enough to put Johnny up on this pedastal thinking he’s something other than he is because he knows Johnny. He’s seen Johnny in every aspect, from between the sheets to the disgusting floor of a random house party to their own kitchen, he knows Johnny. And he would like to think Johnny knows him and that’s probably what bothers him the most. 

The fact that it’s been ten years, marred only by a few short years where they clearly thought about each other no matter that they weren’t really speaking, and Johnny still didn’t get it. 

“Okay,” Johnny says, setting his fork down and Kun lifts a brow, the lip of his cup resting against his lower lip where he was about to lower it to set it back on the table. “I know you said you wanted to have a fight about this but I really don’t think fighting is going to get us anywhere because I know you’re upset, but how are we supposed to move forward from this if we keep bringing up the past?” 

“Because I’ve been living in the past since freshman year,” Kun says, setting his cup down harder than he means to. “Because for the first six months I blamed myself, I wanted to know what I did wrong, what mistake did I make, how could I fix it but I realized, once you started seeing Ten, it wasn’t about me. It was about you and the fact that I couldn’t fix you. I couldn’t make you love me and I tried to move on, really I did, but it didn’t work out for me.” 

“Why?” Johnny asks. 

“Because _I think we’re better off as friends, don’t you?_ wasn’t closure. It was an open ended question that I didn’t get a chance to answer and I resented you for it, yeah. But more than anything, I wanted to show you that wasn’t true and you just… never figured it out,” Kun says, voice turning soft and defeated towards the end. 

“I did,” Johnny says. “But I guess that’s not really true because… I guess I always knew that that wasn’t true,” he admits. He shifts back in his chair, hands in his lap. “I spent so much time being too afraid to tell you the truth and when it felt like it was more than it was, like we were crossing a line, I backed off because I didn’t want to know what that meant. I was 19 and had only been out for three years and part of me… was still scared of it. And to be honest, I didn’t deserve you.” He says it with conviction, lifting his head to look Kun in the eyes. “I don’t know that I do now.” 

“I don’t either,” Kun replies. “Because on one hand you’re not the scared teenager you were in freshman year but on the other… I still waited so long and what I got was lukewarm at best.” 

“I’m sorry I ran for so long,” Johnny says. “I’m sorry I was so scared of my own feelings that I hid them from the only people that I should’ve been telling. And maybe you’re right, I don’t deserve you.” 

“Well, now we’re going in circles,” Kun points out and Johnny smiles sadly. “I don’t want that. I don’t want to keep chasing our tails, trying to find our way out of this cycle because, despite everything, but especially Ten’s advice,” Johnny lets out a laugh, “I love you. Maybe you don’t feel that way but I think I figured it out when we moved back in together and I thought… _shit, this could be a future._ I want to know if this is a future,” he says. “So do me a favor.” 

“What’s that?” 

“Tell me why you think you deserve me. And I won’t be taking ‘I don’t’ as an answer,” Kun says and Johnny grins at him, and he looks like himself. 

“You sure?” Johnny asks and Kun rolls his eyes. “I’m just checking.” Kun scoffs, picking their plates up off the table. “Where are you going?” Johnny asks, turning in his chair, arm on the back of it. 

“Putting the dishes away. Giving you space to think, I know sometimes you need it,” Kun quips and Johnny’s laugh also sounds like him. Kun sets the dishes in the sink, going about rinsing them off and setting them aside, when he feels Johnny at his back. 

Johnny tugs him back, away from the sink and Kun turns to look at him, Johnny’s arms tight around his middle. Kun wraps his around Johnny’s neck and Johnny presses his lips to Kun’s lips gently, so sweetly and chastely and Kun forgets what he asked Johnny for just a moment. For just a second he doesn’t think about the whys and the hows and the reasons because he’s waited so, so long for this and he doesn’t want to give it up to logic of all things. 

“I deserve you because you deserve me,” Johnny mumbles into his lips. He pulls away, cups Kun’s cheek and brushes his thumb over the curve of it gently. “I deserve you because you waited so long. You never gave up on me even when you should’ve. Even when I was running around and being an idiot and seeing other people and I looked right through you, you never gave up on me.” 

“Some people would think that’s stupid,” Kun replies and Johnny presses a kiss to his forehead. 

“Yeah, some people would. But it’s not just about your romantic feelings. You were always there to pick me up. You were always waiting for me when I got home. Those three years without you were the hardest of my life because I had no idea how hard being an adult would be without you. I never felt like I could get my feet under me the entire time and I stumble across you in a bar of all places and it feels like the ground is finally underneath me.” 

“I don’t know that I deserve you but I have you anyway and now that I’ve finally gotten my shit together,” he says and Kun breathes a laugh, “I’m not letting you go. I’m not letting my fears control me anymore and I don’t care if I have to spend every day, hour, every single moment proving to you, and myself, that I deserve you, but I will if I have to. Because I think a part of me has always loved you, Kun.” 

“God, you’re disgusting,” Kun says and Johnny laughs. “I love you too.” 

“Hey, I have a question,” Johnny says, swaying them back and forth in the middle of the kitchen. “I know I just professed my undying love to you but I have to ask. Is this why you kept picking fights with Taeyong junior year?” 

“I didn’t pick those fights!” Kun argues immediately and the bark of laughter that comes out of Johnny is nothing short of beautiful. “I didn’t! And how dare you suggest I did when Taeyong apologized after the fact and admitted to being the one to picking most of those fights.” 

“Okay, okay,” Johnny says. “But you still fought him.” 

“Because I was bitter,” Kun admits. “I was bitter that Taeyong was dating you when we had known you the same length of time so maybe I didn’t pick the fights but I definitely finished all of them.” 

“You know Taeyong did say he fought with you because he felt threatened.” 

“I’m a little annoyed that you’re choosing now to tell me this but in retaliation for this information, you’re not allowed to ever bring up my birthday our senior year ever again,” Kun informs him and Johnny’s mouth drops open in faux shock. Kun presses a kiss to that perfect little cupid’s bow of his. 

“You kissed Ten!” 

“Ten kissed me! I told you that night in the Air BNB and you didn’t believe me, which was rich considering we went to that club with your boyfriend at the time,” Kun reminds him and Johnny’s face scrunches up. “Don’t make that face. You dated Jaehyun and you have to live with that knowledge.” 

“It’s weird now. We lift together now,” Johnny states and Kun rolls his eyes, extra dramatically. 

“You lifted when you were dating. You went on gym dates,” Kun points out. “You have dated many people that you should not have dated but you did it anyway and that’s your penance. The knowledge that comes with it.” Johnny’s face remains scrunched up. “You know if I slept with Jae, the four of us would really have something,” Kun says, taking a hand from Johnny’s shoulders to circle a finger in the air. 

“You slept with Ten?” Johnny asks. 

“Once,” Kun defends and Johnny’s mouth drops open. He looks kind of like that pikachu meme that was really big when they were in uni. “We were drunk and horny and single. I bet Ten would let me borrow Jaehyun for a night.” 

“No,” Johnny says. “Ten may but I’m not allowing it.” 

“You’ve already slept with him,” Kun states. “That’s not fair.”

“Fairness,” Johnny scoffs and Kun presses another kiss to his lips. When he pulls away Johnny chases him, kissing him long and hard but oh so sweet and when Johnny pulls away, he brushes his thumb over Kun’s cheek again. “I’m sorry about what happened with Doyoung.” 

“It’s…” It’s not fine but it is in the past and Kun’s made peace with it. “It was a long time ago,” Kun says. 

“Not long enough,” Johnny says. “I’m sorry anyway.” 

“You should be sorry about Yuta.” 

“You were dating Sicheng,” Johnny points out and that’s a fair statement. One of the two people Kun has actively pursued in these years and he started dating the dancer not long after he and Johnny moved back in together. Sicheng was more a distraction than anything else but he remained a good friend and that’s really all Kun could’ve hoped for out of that failed relationship. 

“Not very successfully,” Kun says with a sigh. “Doie and I are fine. We’re even friends now.” 

“Because Ten started making you go on those friendship lunches with him and Doie. It’s a friendship built off of forced proximity and you cannot tell me otherwise,” Johnny tells him and his eyes say it all. Kun couldn’t even try to lie because Johnny would notice it in a moment. 

“Which is the most ridiculous thing because by all accounts, I should’ve been friends with Doyoung in college, your relationship with him notwithstanding,” Kun states clearly. “Doie and I have more in common, overall.” 

“You’re not as petty,” Johnny says plainly. 

“You clearly don’t remember our post-grad very well,” Kun says and Johnny leans in to kiss him. Kun bites at his lower lip and Johnny makes a soft noise into his mouth, hands falling from where they were linked at the small of Kun’s back to grab his ass. Johnny, still an ass man, that clearly hasn’t changed. 

“I don’t want to talk about all the things I fucked up anymore,” Johnny says, mumbled into Kun’s lips. “I don’t want to talk about all the ways I hurt you. I want new memories. New things. Let’s go on a date.” 

“It’s a Saturday, everything’s gonna be full,” Kun says, pulling away. He brings his hand up to cradle the side of Johnny’s neck though, thumb resting against the hinge of his jaw. “What do you say we order in for dinner and you help me with laundry instead?” Kun suggests and Johnny hums, low enough to almost pass as a moan as he presses another kiss to Kun’s lips. 

“Now that is sexy,” he murmurs and Kun swats him on the shoulder. “Why don’t I take you back to bed and we can generate some more.” 

That’s not a sexy statement but Johnny’s voice is so low and warm and his hands are still on Kun’s ass so he could be persuaded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [twt](https://twitter.com/sofarsoperfect)   
>  [cc](https://curiouscat.me/sofarsoperfect)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> an epilogue of a sort

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you made it here, congrats. i know i just spat so much content at you guys, throwing all three of these chapters up at once but it just felt necessary. like they wouldn't make sense if you didn't get them all at the same time. 
> 
> i hope you enjoy them anyway.

Later, much later, so much later that Kun considers not even saying it but he does anyway because there are things that he still thinks about that he still needs to parse through and one day Johnny may get tired of it but they’re necessary. 

“You ruined a lot of stuff for me, you know that?” He says and Johnny hums. 

“You ruined stuff for me too,” he says and Kun wasn’t expecting that answer. 

“Oh?” 

“I heard a Jay Chou song a year after post-grad and I almost cried,” Johnny says and Kun reaches across the coffee table, the table almost runneth over with cheap, fake Chinese food, to smack his boyfriend in the shoulder. “I’m serious!” Johnny insists though. “There were almost tears.” 

“Don’t be a dick,” Kun says. “I’m serious. You know I haven’t had In-and-Out since uni?” 

“We have to fix that,” Johnny says immediately. “For real though. I stopped DJing.” 

“What, why?” 

“You remember how Matthew taught me?” Johnny asks and Kun remembers, the giant lumbering frat boy that was so nice and wholesome in spite of being able to chug four cups of jungle juice and still remain upright. “I still think it’s just because he didn’t want to do it anymore. You know they always called me to run a party.” 

“You were better at it,” Kun says and Johnny flushes with pride, a happy little smile on his face. “Why’d you stop?” 

“I opened my tracks on my laptop like a month after grads and Your Love, Your Drums was still at the top,” Johnny says. “Every time I listened to it I thought about your lips.” 

“Well, we’re even because… I can’t listen to Velvet,” Kun says and he knows Johnny knows what song he’s talking about based on the way his eyes fall to the food. “I can’t listen to most of the songs from your sex playlist. Do you still have it?” 

“I don’t still play it during sex because I’m almost 30 and have class now,” Johnny says and Kun shakes his head at him, grinning from across the table. “But I do have it. Why don’t we make a playlist together, all the songs we stopped listening to because of each other and listen to it together.” 

“Most of them will be sex songs,” Kun reiterates and Johnny smirks. 

Kun shifts to sit a little more comfortably at the same time Johnny crawls around the table. Johnny crawls right into his lap, knees on either side of his hips, long arms wrapping around Kun’s neck. Kun’s hands find Johnny’s thighs, running over them slowly as Johnny leans down to kiss him. 

“Then let’s make a playlist and have sex to it instead.” 

“God, you’re horny,” Kun mutters because they’ve definitely already had sex three times today. It’s probably been the most sex Kun’s had in a single day… ever. There was a particularly memorable day with the boy he was sleeping with in his sophomore year of uni that he cannot, for the life of him, remember the name of, but their energy trickled out when they remembered they still had midterms to study for. 

“We have so much time to make up for,” Johnny reminds him, all but moaning into Kun’s mouth and Kun is nothing if not weak for Johnny Suh so when Johnny pushes gently at his shoulders, he lets him push him all the way onto his back on their living room carpet. 

Kun’s only saving grace is that they’re both in their late 20s and decide to move it back to one of the bedrooms because sex on the floor at their age is a surefire way to fuck up your back.

**Author's Note:**

> [twt](https://twitter.com/sofarsoperfect)   
>  [cc](https://curiouscat.me/sofarsoperfect)


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